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Stray Wonderings (and sometimes wanderings) of a Deranged (and slightly sick) Mind (and/or sometimes other parts of the body too)
 
Have you ever had those moments (or sometimes only brief sections, and/or rarely whole consecutive hours) where you just sit and wonder (or think, or ponder, or muse, or mull over, or...) about all the things in the world (or in your country, your state, your county, your house, your bedroom... your BED) that happen, and why they happen the way they do? (or happened, or will happen, or might happen, or never will happen, like me getting a date with Zack  Drake) Well, I know I do.
 
Also, I get deja vu alot. I don't know if you do (and I don't really care, I'm not here to listen to you talk about deja vu, this site was made by me, now, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?!?!?), but I get it at least twice a day. I'll be anywhere (eating, a meeting, work, sleeping, watching TV, in my bed, making love, on the pot, on headphones, riding my bike, reading, writing, drawing, doing homework, throwing up, on the Internet--whoops, there it was again), and it'll come to me. It's kinda creepy (kinda like my exboyfriend, Andrew Smith).
 

April 13, 2003

Dear *********,

Hi! This is ***** and I just thought that as an excuse to be on the computer that I could write to you. Not to be insulting or anything, my guess is that youre a really nice person (only a guess, however) and I would not for any reason want to be spiteful to you. Anyways, you know how you and mom used to write to you a lot? I dont know if she still does or not, and if not why, or, really, if so why, but thats not my point. Well, she told me that you were fun to write to so I thought that I would see if she was right, which she usually is, so its not like I doubt her or anything. Im more likely to doubt myself than her, really, but anyway

So whats up with you guys? I imagine that since the skys whats up here that itll probably (but not for sure) be up at you guys place too, but one can never be for certain unless that one who was wondering in the first place contacts the one that they were wondering about, which would be kind of hard in this case, because Ive tried talking to the sky before and its not like it answers in any audible language.

My cat is pregnant. I didnt really want it to be pregnant because then itll have to have babies, which is not a good thing, because itll be having babies. So as I was saying, if it has babies, theyre all going to die, and I dont know why that cat is still alive anyhow; its 6 years old. And its not even in menopause yet. Her kittens bug me cause theyve all got about 3 dads, and all of the dads try to take the babies for themselves, like, Thats my kid, look at its markings," and then another dad will go, No, its my kid, Im a boy and it is too. and then the mom gets mad and then its a cat fight all over and she says, No, theyre my kittens, Im the one who had them. If you want some kittens of your own, go find Tom and help yourself, then the kittens walk off and have themselves eaten by a cannibal somewhere. But seriously. It gets irritating after awhile. It keeps our quota of cannibals in the vicinity at a high level. And whats really super annoying about this is: how come its only the cats who get pregnant? Shes leaving people out, here. Share the glory. Once in awhile, anyways.

Mom and *** are away on a trip to Fayetteville, Arkansas. Theyre there with my Aunt Kendise, going to some gathering for freaky people. I am, actually, in away, glad that I didnt go cause it sounds really weird, and Mom doesnt usually let me on the computer because she says that I take to long. Dad doesnt really care how long that I am on, he doesnt really care if I am on come to think of it because, really, he doesnt care about anything, not that anyone does, I know that I dont at least, isnt that what being related is all about? But then I dont see how all that I inherited from my mom is physical characteristics, like that I am skinny and that I have glasses etc. everything else, I am afraid that I either inherited from my dad, including my dull (dull?) sense of humor, call it that if you could, probably not though, and my really weird attitude. Like, see, if someone called me a (Look here! Lets play fill in the blank! Yay!), so, like I was saying, if someone called me a _____________, they would, within .2 seconds, find themselves missing either a.) Nose, b.) All of their hair, or c.) Find their head split open and me feeding their spleen to my cat. Feeding it to my pregnant cat, that is.

****** and ******** both act outrageous 24/7, or rather 5,265/3. Seriously, they fight over little things, like who gets which chickens pituitary gland. That is such a little thing; it is, like, so not worth fighting about. I have some pictures of *** and *******. *** looks so innocent, like, Ooooh! Sissy, dont look at me that way. I didnt do anything! and ******** is like, Im a pure sweetie. You cant see her hands in that picture! Oops, that dirty finger crosser! Theres a digital picture of *** that I wanted to send too, but it wouldnt fit on this page and I didnt want it on a page by itself. Maybe if I find one, Ill send a regular picture of him, but it is terribly hard to find regular pictures nowadays. People are too technology-oriented.

Well, I guess that Ill see you later, *********.

Sincerely,

***** ****

It was 2:00 am and a new client just walked into Ellen's office.

Ellen: "Hello, there, May I help you?"

Delilah: "Yes, I need your assistance."

Ellen: "What is it?"

Delilah: "I need you to track down my poodle. I want you to bring him back to me. He took off and the last thing I knew, he was going to England!"

Ellen: "What is his name?"

Delilah: "Its Foofoo. Why?"

Ellen: "Well, you see Miss Delilah, when a character like this, Foofoo, run off they have a tendency to disguise their name."

Delilah: "How do you mean?"

Ellen: "Well....For instance, he may choose the first thing he sees for his first name, like, say, oh-- llama. Then perhaps the next thing he sees will be his new last name, such as, um-- a dog. Now his new name is Llama Dog. That way no one can identify them. It is very common in situations like these."

Delilah: "Oh...I see...I don't care, will you take this assignment? Please? Foofoo means so much to me."

Ellen stood there staring at the dame, and her eyes filled with tears. She wondered if this assignment would be worth my time. Then with out warning the answer can out of her mouth.

Ellen: "Alright I'll do it. But I will need some cookies and some books to start the trip on."

Delilah: "What are those for?"

Ellen: "For the ride!!"

Miss Delilah and Ellen parted ways. She was walking to the parking garage to get her bicycle, when she noticed a shadow following her.

Ellen: "Who's there? Show yourself!"

Just then a man appeared. He had black hair that looked like it was caked in grease.

Ellen: "Who are you? What is it that you want?"

Stranger : "Is your name Ellen?"

Ellen: "Yes!?"

Stranger : "I'm here to tell you to stay away from Foofoo, or else!!"

Ellen: "Or else what?"

Stranger : "Or else you will suffer the wrath of my puke, and let me tell you that you will not live very long after smelling the potency off it. You will know when it happens, because it smells just like ******'s butt. You have no business with Mr. Foofoo. Think of this as your only warning."

With that threat, the stranger walked of into the shadows.

That was when Ellen knew she had to find Mr. Foofoo-- and fast. It was then she realized that he didn't run away from Miss Delilah, he was kidnapped!!

She started for the airport, when all of the sudden she saw a clue. It was a notebook lying on the sidewalk!
There was a hotel name and address on the back of it.
It read:

Holidae Inn
25 Rural St.
England

She reached England in only 7 hours, I think that's a record. 

She reached the hotel that was imprinted on the back of the notebook that she'd found earlier.
She walked up to the front desk, and asked the clerk if he had seen Mr. Foofoo. He said that she could find him in room 892.

I walked up 45 flights for stairs to reach room 892. (Boy, what a walk.)

I opened the door to find--

Ellen: "MISS DELILAH!!!?"

Delilah: "Finally, Ellen. You have arrived just in time," the crazy dame announced as she pulled out a block.

Ellen: "This whole time it was you?"

Delilah: "Yes! I knew you would take the case. There was no poodle!! I made him up. The fact is that you put my husband away. Now it's time to get even."

Ellen: "Your husband? Who?"

Delilah: "Brent Foofoo! I would have thought you'd figure it all out. What, with me giving you his last name and all. Huh...and you call yourself a detective."

Just then the stranger that lurked in the shadows stepped behind Delilah.

Stranger: "Delilah?"

Delilah turned around to see Brent.

Delilah: "Brent? Is it really you?" She lowered the block.

Brent: "Yes, my love! There is so much you need to know. Ellen didn't send me up the river. She put me in the witness protection program. I saw a brutal crime and had to go into hiding. I had Ellen tell the media that I had done it. That way the no one would come after you."

Delilah: "Oh, Brent that's just so....FUNNY!!"

Delilah raised the block towards Brent while laughing manically.

Brent: "Delilah? What...What are you doing? I came back for you."

Delilah: "You fool!! You don't get it, do you? It was I who committed that crime. I knew that you were the one who saw me. I vowed, no matter what, I had to get rid of any witnesses. That goes the same for you Ellen. You knew all about the crime and it was just a matter of time that you would have discovered the finger pointed towards me."

Brent: "I can't believe this."

Ellen: "Neither can I. She's holding us up with a block."
Then Brent and Ellen jumped on Miss Delilah, and wrestled the block out of her hand. 
Ellen tied her arms behind her back and read her rights to her.

Delilah: "You won't get away from me. I will find you both. I will get you for this!!"

The police came and took Miss. Delilah away to a womens correctional facility. Until her trial date.

As for Brent!? He stayed in England where he became a llama herder. Maybe I'll name this story "The Story of the  Llamas" since they keep repearring in it.

All's well that ends well in the detective biz. (Or so they say!!)