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Chapter Two
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Chapter Two

A New State

1202 A.D.

In the year of 1202, Ellieville was steadily growing larger (only old geezers lived in Pitchtussa now). There was wild land all around, and Ellieville was thinking, Could we acquire a new state? No, it was not a question. It had to be done; the population was now way too large for such a small land area. It was practically one city separated into differently named areas. There was hardly any of the 6 foot Indian grass Tellaw had seen in the 1160s.

So in 1203, the present king of Ellieville, Henry Dwallit, proclaimed a new state, Perfitle (named after Tyonik Perfitle) to bring back that [quote] old fashioned fancy ass wilderness [unquote].

It was also during this time that Ellieville began its own magazine, Pitutuss. It was a main source of information during the time, although most was inaccurate or was big inside secrets that once printed caused many problems. It was also well known for its many grammar and other technical problems in the printing. Take for example this issue, from about 1215.

Wesley and the Lone Ranger Meet

That means that I met him 3 months ago. I met Tonto 8 years ago. Um, I met Toodles 9 years ago. Wow!!! Um, me and Lone Ranger went skaterboardsurfing and Lone Ranger told me that Blacky was coming to do that too! Wheeha!!! Then me and Lone Ranger and Blacky wrecked!!! Lone Ranger arrested Blacky! Then Lone Ranger was deserved the first award. Then, when we went home, we took our surfboards with us, and finally the pond had frozen, so me and Lone Ranger skated on it!!!

When we went SWOOSH I broke my butt bones, both of them, so then I had 4 buttcheeks!!! Lone Ranger tried to call an ambulance, but the ambulance nurse said, Dont worry, hes not bleeding anymore.

And I was all like, Um, I have 2 butt cracks now, thats pretty bad!!! But they either didnt hear or didnt care.

Nevermind.

He who lost His Tail

Oh, Sir! I have heard of a man who has lost his tail do you know anything about him?

Oh, yes I do! He found his tail and locked it back on--

But how did he lose it in the first place?

It came off! His tail came off!

How?

Somebody pulled it off!

Why?
They wanted a tail, so they stole his. So to get it back, he stole someone elses tail and gave them that one- which was better- so that he could have his own tail back.

But was that really a fair trade?

I suppose it was, since everyone agreed to it without much argument.

J One Dude, Two Dudes! J

Im wrestling with two dudes who are very tough. They might actually be tougher than me!!! But no, I mustnt discourage myself, and anyway that is impossible.

Ew!!! One dude actually dared to fart real loud, right in my face!!!

KAPOW!!! HIYA!!!

Hey!!! That is my dude! yells the girlfriend of the dude I kapowed.

Not right now, he isnt! I am wrestling him-- hiya! Take him away, men!

ROAR! LOOK AT HOW BADLY YOU HURT ME-- yells the dude.

Wah!!! Mommy!!! HELP!!!!!

 

The Royal All About So-And-So Column

Jaycee A. Bonve

Tadpole Fishing

I tadpole fish with a hook. He tadpole fishes with a net. Who is right? And who is wrong? I am wrong. I tadpole fish the way I fish for normal fish, which is incorrect when it comes to tadpole fishing. Why? you ask. This is wrong because you can seriously wound the tadpoles this way, so I must mend my ways as soon as is possible.

Big Nipple

I am a dude wrestler. Big Nipple is the name of my wresting company. Taking the dudes away- I put them facing each other, then I put a rope around their necks so if they try to turn around they will choke. Then I lock the rope. I just hold them still for a moment, then I click click ding then its locked!

Blast Fire

Fire is great, but it is also very evil and dangerous. When something burns, the fire starts at the bottom and slowly travels upward with a whistling sound that is occasionally a bit irritating. Everything that is burnt turns a depressing black color. At the top, the fire flies up into a huge, smoke-kind of cloud. It is all red and orange.

Some things burn very, very slowly. These things are usually very evil and have a fireproof curse put on them. This fireproof curse doesnt work very well, however, since bad guys did it. So instead, it just makes it burn slowly.

The Ylgofobgien River

I love about floating and walking. I do not like walking in midair underwater, but my older brother does. I can put my head under, however, in almost- but not quite- deep water, but not really deep water. I can do anything that I can underwater. And were going to the river today! I love going in the deep water, just to swim. Wesley, my elder brother, says, I love it! Um, I dont like going in deep water, nope, I cant

Jaguar Roar

The evil jaguar arouses your deepest fears and longings. Several different things and people have been named jaguar roar, but none are as prestigious or successful as the hard rock group, who are constantly turning out music, art, poetry books, magazines, and albums monthly, and also run a kids club for kids ages 12-15.

Gus and Mshu Schwaa run this large and prestigious organization. Their type of music is Indian, their art abstract. You can order music by calling 1-573-354-2048 and mentioning ISBN # 228-1080960254. You can order an art book by mentioning ISBN # 228-1080960255.

ARRESTED!

It is a dark and rainy night. The notorious Tex Texli has killed many, and he has to be stopped- before it is too late!!! It turns out that he is at he general store, plotting to shoot the manager and steal all of the goods and cash. So I jump in my green Goodguymobile and sped away over the horizon towards the town, my car spitting out blue flames from the exhaust. I finally get to the scene of the crime. I run quickly below Tex, placing a large net below where he stands on the store roof, laughing insanely. Then, Tex makes the mistake of shooting his gun upwards into the air. When his bullet comes back down, it hits him in the head with just enough pressure to knock him down from his precarious stance, straight into my net. I have captured Tex Texli!!! I am a hero!!!

Unintentional Evil

I am that one who kills people. Good or bad. I kill them. Im a different kind of person, one of my own complete genre. With my thoughts I kill them. Death is on the way, I tell them.

Do I really have enough strength to kill more?

Yes I do. All I have to do to kill is pull out everything that I think or have thought.

Do I have enough energy left to live? Will someone kill me someday? No I will not be killed! Because my thoughts, I am strong and powerful. My thoughts help me to live. They are my ultimate guidance.

I killed a certain person that I didnt mean to kill. They were one of my few friends. I took out one of my golden, secret, terrible thoughts and stabbed them with it. They were crying. I couldnt do anything.

Jessalynn Chadee Murphy, our star reporter, brings you an all-new feature: secrets of perfectly normal people. Or is it so? These interviews will tell us. Top secret interviews where people were hypnotized into telling us their deepest, darkest, biggest secrets. Thirsting for more? Then turn the page for scary and emotionally devastating reports from people thought to be average.

Rosalee Smith

One thing that bothers me is that I need a new bed in my bedroom. See, this is because it is too hot, and we dont have an air conditioner.

I have this friend and she doesnt know what to say to her parents. This is because, see, she has a boyfriend and shes not supposed to.

Some things that make me happy include that God answers my prayers. This one girl, who is so rude, I prayed for her to become better, see, and she is getting to be so much nicer now!

I want to kill my dog. Send him to the vet or something, get him put to sleep or something.

Kendra Laurie

My fan in my room isnt working well. Its going slower than its supposed to, thats why its so Goddang hot in there. L

Well, this girl, shes married, and shes getting divorced, and shes having a baby, so shes, like, kind of pretty crazy.

I want to kill this girl because shes so stupid! Shes so kind of dumb, because shes always like, blah blah blah and shes kind of like crazy all day.

My deepest secrets? My deepest secret is that Im married, and I dont like the man Im married to, and I cant get divorced- its against my religion.

But hes almost, like, 100, and Im only 16!

Alika Harrison

The bothering of me is that when I do something like- well, I had a new dress. This ones so itchy, its even itchier when I dance my ballet!!! I just cant stand it!

Doing ballet makes me most happy in the world. But I never get mad at anything enough to want to kill it. Thats crazy. Except once my dumb dog scratched up my brand new silver van.

I am married to Cory Van Donald. We are deeply in love. Were not having a baby anytime soon, though we are working on it. Were trying to, but its just not working yet.

Xandra Heights

I hate it when people talk too much or too loudly. I dont like it when people smile at me. THEY ARE JUST TOO DARN CHEERFUL! I hate modern music. All that crap is just so stupid. Young people today are even more of a disgrace. And, like, dude, Its like, and, then, the, like, dude, just, like, went to the, like, mall to, like, hang out, is all I ever hear. God, is anything good anymore? God, I hate all this @$#% ed up crap!!!

More next issue!!! Cant wait, can you???? Me either!! What will she dig up next??????!!!!!

Me: Lifting Up My Dress

I was busy lifting up my dress to study my belongings whence suddenly the boys came!

They said, Ooh, Barbie doll undies!

Then I got prosecuted.

My trial went like this:

Are you a member of a secret club? the judge asked me.

Is this relevant? I asked suspiciously.

Yes, they replied.

Then the answer is no, I said spiffily.

Then, said the judge, I have no choice except to fling you into the ghetto.

We do believe in freedom, you know! I yelled violently.

What does that have to do with anything? they asked me.

I assure you, I do not know, I replied meekly.

But maam! they said, thoroughly shocked. You must be aware of what you say!

THERE! I hollered. I HAVE BEEN GRANTED FREEDOM OF SPEECH!

They looked at me skeptically. And this is your evidence? they asked, shoving a sickeningly purple umbrella up my nose.

No, I said. That there is completely useless.

USELESS? they roared.

Yes maam, I said quietly.

Very well, said the judge resignedly and wearily.

Then I was sentenced to eternal life in the Ghetto.

How-to Guide

Hypnosis

You will need:

Pocket watch

Cubed sugar

Striped blanket of sheet

Piano music

Portable tape player

Incense

Perfume

Black paint

Featherbed and pillow

White sheets and pillow for bed

Read all instructions thoroughly before attempting to begin.

Preparation

Step 1.

Select a room in your house to become your hypnosis room. Paint it black. Leave no areas untouched. Do not neglect to paint your door knobs.

Step 2.

Place the sheets and pillowcases on the featherbed and pillows; place in exact center of room.

Step 3.

Place the piano tape or CD in the portable player. Station this under the bed.

Step 4.

Burn incense on a shelf nailed high in a corner of your room; paint the shelf black if you havent already done so.

Step 5.

Don all black clothes and dye your hair black. Apply intense amounts of perfume and spray some about the hypnosis room, even though there is already incense burning.

Hypnosis

Step 6.

Invite a friend over for tea. Lead them into the hypnosis room. Tell them to lie down on the featherbed. Slowly wave the striped sheet before their face.

Step 7.

While they are staring at the sheet, slowly sneak around to their side, still waving the sheet. Taking the cubed sugar in hand, place one under each of the victims eyelids. Owing to the fact of the sheet hypnosis, this should be painless and your victim will not respond.

Step 8.

Bring out the pocket watch. Place it right next to the victims ear. Wave it from ear to ear, and murmur unclear words, but under no circumstances should you disclose personal information during this process!

Step 9.

As soon as the victim begins to hum, stop the watch. If the victim hums for over 5 seconds before the pocket watch stops, the hypnosis will have failed and there will be some major difficulties that will arise from the sugar cubes when the victim awakens.

Step 10.

As soon as the watch stops, the humming should cease also. Ask your victim any personal question. The victim will answer every question asked and answer it accurately. You will know when the sugar cubes dissolve completely and there are no longer any bumps showing under the eyelids. When the victim awakens, they are bound to ask you what happened as all their memory from that time will have been erased. When they ask you this, simply tell them that it was a lovely tea party.

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Back to the story: a big hit in humor during the time was dialogue stories. Examples of these are Strawberry Horror and Her Midriff Exploded. Coincidentally, these are both by the same author and include the same characters. Here is Strawberry Horror, which is funny in a kind of gruesome way (see the title for details).

Strawberry Horror

I am Wilkins. There are flowers on my shirt. Or I thought that they were flowers until they turned into strawberries.

I sure can let out a roar!!!

Yeah right, Rogers.

EW!!!

I didnt fart, are you CRAZY, Rogers? Youre making this stuff up!!!

Im going to sit on that part, that part that will fall, there, see, Wilkins? FOR THE STRAWBERRIES!!!!!

KAPOW!!! What a lot of karate. Im NOT impressed, Rogers. ROARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!!! You!!!

HELP ME!!! I AM SINKING INTO SINKING SAND!!! Save me, Wilkins!!! I need serious helpblpb

NOOOO!!!!! I AM TOO SCARED My strawberry plants are all dried up

KAPOW!!! WHAM!!! ASSORTED SYSTEMATIC SOUNDS!!!

Look, Rogers!!! Sergeant Stanleys sunken!!!

AAH, Wilkins!!! Lets get out of here!!!! Out of these evil strawberry fields, now!!! Hurry, Wilkins, before they get you!!!

Theyre all dried up anyhow Ahhh, hes very mean---

Wilkins, thats my doll,

Lookie here. He doesnt know how to stand up!!!

Oh yes he does!!! Are you crazy?

Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz!!!

OH YEAH? WELL GUESS WHAT?

AHHH!!! THATS SINKING SAND YOU PUSHED ME IN, ROGERS!!!!!

Eek!!! My face is in strawberry goo!!!

Im dying save me, Rogers.

Ive been blinded

Its time for my last words abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz!

My arms are falling off what is this goo DOING to me, Wilkins???!!!

Your arms are falling off, Wilkins!!! What is that goo DOING to you?

PART TWO

Hiya, hiya, hi---

ROARRRR!!!

Hiya, hiya, hiya, yiah, yoha, yhia, haiy, lool---

ROARRR!!! I will eat you up, Wilkins, you fool!!!

No, sergeant Stanley, no!!!

Yes, Wilkins, yes!!!

Hiya, hiya, hi---

Ar, matey, yalls dead meat now, e is!!!

Hiya, hiya, hiya---

WILKINS I WILL KILL YOU---

SAVE ME, ROGERS, WILL YOU?

WILKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HIYA, HIYA, HIYA----------------

ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rogers, I fear the end is near-

Rogers, go to the grocery store, we need toilet paper--

No, Rogers!!! It is a hoax!!! Stay here and save me!!!

WILKINS, SHUT UP!!! Rogers, honey face, we need TOILET PAPER!!! Get out of here, sugar dumpling!!! NOW!!!

Sergeant Stanley, you always told us to follow our hearts and listen to no one in times of death---

SHUT UP WILKINS!!! ROGERS, THIS IS NO TIME OF DEATH-

Sergeant Stanley, we dont need toilet paper, theres 6 rolls in the bathroom---

I dont care, Wilkins Rogers, get rice milk then, anything

PART THREE

Sergeant Stanley is dead Rogers is dead I am drowning in strawberry goo what next? This is truly the ultimate STRAWBERRY HORROR

What do you think of that?

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