Chapter One


Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Photos and Tourism Info
Celebrities and Government Characters

Chapter One

The 1178 Rampage

TELLAW WAS KING DURING THIS TIME. IN the 1170s, there was tension between Granty Mountains and Ylgofobgien, which was a neighboring country. Tikiloki was the GR capital from 1167-1179. Its the kind of city thats just, well, had all that it can take. It was full of filth, run down stores, and taverns on every street. Tellaw tried again and again to fix up Tikiloki, but it was beyond repair, so he just let it go.

Ylgofobgien, however, was a younger country that Granty Mountains, and its cities were much less insane. Vlept was the capital, and it was spacious, clean, big and lovely. There were no beggars or yucky things like in Tikiloki.

On November 2, Ylgofobgien attacked GR. To this day, No one can be quite sure why they attacked, though it is probable that they attacked because they had been ridiculing their king in public- in plays, shows, and out in the streets.

Tikiloki was the Ylgofobgien target of their attack. More than half of the people there were killed. What was worse, Ylgofobgien had no remorse. They ridiculed Tellaw in turn, even in Tikilokian streets. This outraged the Tikilokians, and the little rampage soon turned into a war.

Ylgofobgiens, however, proved themselves worthy as fighters and in December 1179, Tikiloki fell as a result of the 1178 Rampage.

THOUGH TIKILOKI FELL, Ellieville really won this war. Though we never fought in Ylgofobgien, we fought like a hailstorm here. After Tikiloki fell, Ylgofobgien surrendered. Ellieville didnt want their land or anything, they just stopped the fighting, signed a contract, and Ellieville officially won.

Depteh Farmer lived during this war. He was 14 years old and had a diary. Here it is. I am including it here, hoping that a firsthand account will explain the war better.


The Diary of Depteh Farmer

March 8, 1178, until June 17, 1180

March 8, 1178

My pal, Wes, and me live in Dorftown. It is fun; Tikiloki is a very big city. It has many streets and buildings. If you are not careful, you may get lost.

Enough for today.

March 22, 1178

I am in 7th grade. Depteh is my born name, however, I despise it. Ma! It is not 1604 anymore, and it is not Pitchtussa, its Granty Mountains!!!

April 5, 1178

My age is 14. My best class in school is mathematics. I can add the following problem in less than 10 seconds!!!




The answer is 78,820.

April 11, 1178

Today, I learned a word from Henry, my schoolmate. He is quite full of mischief, the kind that Ma would not approve of. He calls the word a slang word. It is nifty, meaning interesting.

April 15, 1178

At school today I earned a nickname. It is John because when we were asked to pick a book from the bible to study in class, everyone except me picked Genesis, which is the easiest since weve already studied it. I picked John, because Pa once told me the story of it and it sounded nifty.

April 22, 1178

Ma called me in from our small yard in the city yesterday.

I heard about your new name, she said. John. Arent you upset about being teased?

Im not being teased, I replied. I like it. I hate Depteh.

Depteh, youre being a good man, sticking up for your friends. They wont get in trouble. But stop calling yourself John, especially in your diary.

You read it, Ma?!

Why, yes, you are my son,

Do I not own privacy?!

Well, your diary might someday become part of history and I dont want anything dumb or stupid in it!

Ive never heard her talk like that before. Since I knew better than to ask why, I just said, yes, maam.

May 1, 1178

THE WAR IS HERE!!!!! Femnie, my sister, age 13, saw it first. She has silky, long blonde hair crystal blue eyes, and wears dresses. Girl stuff. Corsets and hoops, you know, that kind of absolute girly stuff.

Anyway, she said, Ma!!! Look out the window!!! and fainted. Luckily, though, she didnt land on the flowerpot because I was there.

May 2, 1178

I had to stop yesterday long before I was completed.

I caught Femnie and Ma tiptoed to the window and looked out. She gasped and stepped back.

I carried Femnie upstairs to her bed and stumbled back downstairs as fast as I possibly could.

What is it, Ma?

May 5, 1178

What Femnie had seen were soldiers. Row after row of those soldiers. Dressed in gray and chartreuse. It was Ylgofobgiens armies come to take the city.

Today, a bit late, dont you think, came Ellievilles army, dressed in blue, yellow and green. It was the 1178 Rampage at our doorstep.

May 6, 1178

Thats it, were moving, said Ma.

Huh? I asked.

Dont huh me, and me and Pa have been talking about it. Were going to be pioneers; were going to go to Twinkletown. Thats why I told you that youre diary would be a part of history, Depteh. Thats why I gave it to you in the first place.

May 9, 1178

The Ylgofobgien armies have taken all the shops and some of the houses. We took in some friends whose houses have been taken. Petra Banker, an old schoolmate, and Johnny Howard, who is a high school dropout are the people who we decided to take in. Ma doesnt like him much, but shes trying to be as helpful as is possible during these times. Since the school is now ruled by brutal and unreasonable Ylgofobgiens, ma made me quit.

May 19, 1178

Our house has been taken.

We found an old shed on Conch Street, a seaside street, but it is about as good as nothing as there is a Ylgofobgien bar across the street.

May 25, 1178

Femnie has been confined to our so-called house. Father is out looking for food. The Ylgofobgiens have a camp in the closed grocery store. No one but Ylgofobgiens is to be allowed in.

May 29, 1178

Father has been taken prisoner by the Ylgofobgien army.

June 1, 1178

Ma has decided to do the most courageous and stupid thing ever.

At first, she was going to shoot a Ylgofobgien soldier and take his place and then shoot the General of the army, but I returned her sanity by saying, then the whole army would turn on you and do more destructive and unreasonable things and besides, the world would be minus one good Ma. So she has decided to carry out the first step of the plan but instead of shooting the General, shell free Pa and then well all go to Twinkletown!!!

July 2, 1178

Well, it worked. Ma came home alive; so did Pa!!! J It took ma 3 days to get to the camp. She was all wore out. She joined in the crowd of thousands of thousands of soldiers all marching, row after row after row, singing this song:

Do we fight

For ourselves or


Do we live

For ourselves or


Ma joined in after she realized that all that the song was the first verse repeated. The crowds of chartreuse and gray thronged down the steep stone rocks above the seaside. Ma said that it felt like all that walking was for nothing, I could see all of Tikiloki spread out below me.

Thats when she got to the camp.

Ps. were leaving tomorrow, only a wagon hardly anything else too noticeable or suspicious.

July 3, 1178

I write by the fire we have made to cook our supper, which is ducks. We didnt bring any food, there isnt any in Dorftown, but Pa did bring his rifle. True to what I said yesterday, we only brought 5 yards of fabric (and other sewing necessities) pas shotgun, an extra hoop for Femnie and mas skirts, and ourselves.

The mosquitoes are totally barbaric.

July 6, 1178

Nothing to write about. Passed several ghost towns and 1 or 2 Ylgofobgien occupied towns.

July 9, 1178

My birthday, my 15th, is in 9 days. I wonder what my birthday present shall be?

July 12, 1178

We made it!!! J We got here early, in the wee hours of the morning today. The city, which we thought to be about as big as Dorftown, was pitifully tiny. As far as we could see, there wasnt even a meetinghouse!!! L How I love drawing faces

Pa told us to come, come and hike!!! Lets pick out our territory!!! we found naught but a huge old dump, surrounded by bees, mosquitoes, fruit flies and other bugs. We also found a few blackberry vines, which were our breakfast. Back onto the dump was this dump proof that this once used to be a big city? Or was it just the collected waste of 5 or so people whom we think were at one point here (though there is not a single shred of proof) since 1170?

Later that same day

It is now midday. The camp we have come to proves to be deserted.

July 13, 1178

We spoke to someone today.

Perched lazily at the very far west end of, uh, town, we found a very small tent.

Hello? I asked, for I was the one who found it.

Who is it? asked a feminine voice.

Fellow settler, I said. A lady, about 25 years of age, emerged. Wheres your family? Wheres the town? I asked her. Her face fell.

The Dlacs.

The plague? I asked, unsure of what she had said.

No. The Dlacs. Indian tribe. Bad Indians took my husband and 6 children.

Oh no, I whispered, feeling as though I had been struck by the plague myself. Oh no. Let me go get ma. She understands things like this I added, more to myself than to her.

Ps. what shall my birthday present be? And the ladys name was Caroline, by the way.

July 18, 1178

The liberation!!! Is that what you call it? WE WON THE 1178 RAMPAGE!!! Still more is to happen, more will come later!!! J J J J J Faces are so cute

July 20, 1178

Pa is debating with ma on whether we should return to Tikiloki or remain here in Twinkle town. We are not yet sure.

July 29, 1178

We are not going back to Dorftown!!!

Perhaps Ill explain why on another day when I am not quite so content to run in the breeze

July 31, 1178

What happened was this: on the 25th, a young couple came with supplies, everything excepting water. Theirs had spilled out of their wagon along the way. This isnt too bad, but there is a nice lake quite nearby. They are like Twinkletowns own messengers, for they bring us news and supplies frequently, and they will continue to do so, quite wholeheartedly, or so is what they said. Anyhow, they also brought rope, lumber for a church or a meetinghouse, some good old Tikiloki food and a teapot. They had run away from Dorftown, which was still pretty bad.

Though Ellieville has won the war, there is still much to change before anything can return back to normal. There have been fistfights in the streets, the couple said before they set off again, Beggars but there isnt all that much, still, so there was nothing to beg for no one goes to school, all of the teachers were killed

It cant be all that bad can it?

August 5, 1178

Carolines husband has returned today!!! J What we thought was an Indian jumped from the trees this morning. Caroline shrieked. Amazingly, the Indian spoke.

Is that you, Caroline?

September 10, 1178

We just finished building the meetinghouse today!!!

September 28, 1178

Bad news. Cant get much worse.

Day before yesterday, Ylgofobgiens army dropped bombs on us. Not directly at us, as our tiny town, which is naught but a twinkle, cannot be seen from such heights. But one landed near the vicinity of the berry patch. And guess who was picking there? Caroline.

Pa is digging a grave.

October 1, 1178

Ma is 31 today. I picked her a bouquet of flowers. Such beauty during such a sad time is almost unthinkable.

October 11, 1178

Twinkletown is on a hill. You can see all around, and even a dust-sized speck on the horizon that is Tikiloki.

The days are getting cooler. The mosquitoes are becoming less in quantity. The few berries and flowers left are dying or wilting.

October 20, 1178

Pa hasnt come home from hunting yet. Dusk is approaching; if he doesnt come back within an hour, I am going searching for him. We cant lose pa now

October 21, 1178

Indians have attacked us.

Pa was captured; I shouldve gone looking for him. Ma said, It wasnt your fault, Depteh. Now grab pas rifle and get your fat butt out there now, scat!!! Out of the house before I begin to whip you sometimes she can be too humorous sickeningly humorous.

October 29, 1178

We won the small battle.

Ma wanted to burn the dead Indian bodies, but Mr. Qlenty, having lived with them so much, protested.

Lets bury them

Where? asked ma? The spots are all taken up 12 graves already where do you plan to get the burial stones? The meetinghouse?

Mr. Qlenty laughed. I can carve, and perhaps if we honor them a bit, theyll return your husband.

Redasses deserve no honor, ma spat. Bury them if you like. I dont want to see them again.

November 2, 1178

Mas read my diary again.

I though that youd written more than 11 pages, she said. Dont you write every night at the fire?

No, thats my sums. Femnie does hers too.


Shes been thinking of it, with the rest of her math book. And you didnt know that she wasnt keeping a diary because you didnt check to see you would rather protect her privacy than mine, because youre here reading mine.

November 16, 1178

Mas grounded me for smart mouthing her the other day.

We must begin our houses soon the days are getting colder and colder now, and our little wagon tents are cold and drafty.

November 27, 1178

Weve started on our house.

My voice is changing now. At first I thought I had sore tonsils how goofy of me, now that I think of it

December 1, 1178

My voice has changed!!! No news of pa yet.

December 9, 1178

Today 2 Indians came, carrying with them a sack. One pointed at ma and said, Chiwostle, He gave her the bag. Inside was pas body.

Chapter Two

January 29, 1179

Hello!! It is good to be with you again

Ma and Mr. Qlenty married on the 20th. We finished our house on December 19th, we finished Mr. Qlentys house on December 30th. Now that we are one family, Mr. Qlentys house is to be a barn.

Femnie has started to keep a diary. She writes in it once weekly after church on Saturdays (we are Orthodox Jews).

February 8, 1178

Wes is dead. The couple who brings us messages sought me out and told me all about it.

Is Wesley Alan Rorn your friend?

Why, yes he most certainly is, I told Ronald.

He was killed yesterday, he said. I was utterly shocked. You know how we told you that there wasnt any laws left anymore? He was killed in a fistfight over a girl. Irene MacHaben. The opponent drew a dagger when your friend wasnt looking.

I know Irene, I murmured. I thought that she was mine, I said.

So did Wes and that other guy, said Ronald.

Who was he?

Henry Longhorn.

I was even more astounded at this. He was Femnies, not Irenes. And Irene was mine

March 1, 1179

Now, my diary has almost covered a year

March 8, 1178

Now it has!!! J You can see the sky here in a way that you never could in Tikiloki. There is hardly a cloud in sight. Although Twinkletown is naught but a twinkle, the smallest town on the face of the earth, I do believe that its the happiest.

April 3, 1179

I write for what I believe is one last time.

That couple, Jennifer Iresette and Ronald Mirk, married on the last day of March. For Easter, we looked for our chickens instead of our eggs, as they have somehow gotten out of their cage (how is not yet to be conceived).

Goodbye, you were a good friend to me during hard times, which I assure you are not over.

Depteh Allen Farmer

Chapter Three

May 16, 1180

Hello again, Dear Journal!!! J It is nice to be with you once more!!! J

Femnie married Johnny Howard during Hanukkah last year. And not caring how much I though or how much I cared, Henry Longhorn married Irene MacHaben! Hed already had sex with her, so she didnt really have a choice Im pretty sure that she wouldve chosen me over him if she knew that I was still alive. They married on April 17 of last year.

May 20, 1180

I have applied for a job!!! Im going to move to Dunntown and work at the Ronger s Milk Factory.

May 26, 1180

Ma helped me to pack my clothes. I think that I have had enough of being a pioneer. Maybe when Im an old man, retired perhaps, Ill move back.

June 1, 1180

The trip to Dunntown was weird. The train driver was unused to stopping at this stop as he thought that all were dead, so I had to wave him down with my suitcase.

When I got to Dunntown, the city was all changed. There was a big fence separating the city in two, and I recognized no roads.

I pulled out my map.

June 9, 1180

My job is going well. I have nighttime hours. More tomorrow.

June 10, 1180

My job goes like this: at 7:00, I go into the factory. I grab a stainless steel pot from the counter and put it on the table under the spigot. Then I turn the spigot on and milk from the animals on the floor above spill down into my pot. After that one is full, I place another one under the spigot. I get off work at 11:30 pm.

June 13, 1180

If you are wondering how I have become familiar with Dunntown (or so I thought that I was), I shall tell you.

In 1169, at age 9, pa had a business trip (he is a realtor). Ma and Femnie were visiting family out in the country, so I had to go with pa.

Back then; Dunntown was a free place, with flowers in every window and shady trees, spacious curvy roads.

Forget it.

Some things can just be so sad.

June 17, 1180

Looking back on the part of my diary during the 1178 Rampage, I realize that I didnt explain it very well.

In 1178, Ylgofobgien thought that they could use some extra land and besides, their king was an obese so he was a target for teasing (as we were teasing him) so they attacked us.

They started by invading all of the cities, starting at the front of the country and rolling down to the back, aiming at Tikiloki, the capital. However. Once they took Tikiloki, my hometown, they went forward to Axeville, where a huge army was awaiting them, and it is there that we regained our much-loved country.


Depteh married Irene MacHaben on August 4, 1192, after Henry Longhorn died of lung cancer from smoking. He moved back to Tikiloki in 1196 with Irene. They had 11 children, Femnie, Febla, Bepseh, Depcee, Beepeh, Stacie, Lynn, Farnie, Endeh, Depren and Shenah. They are typical Farmers, as the present-day Farmer family has 14 kids yes, moms, I said 14.

Jesse Longhorn, Henrys brother, murdered Irene in 1198. Depteh committed suicide in 1201.

Well, thats one sad story, but not all stories can be completely happy. Depteh mustve had a hard life.